Timeless Tears
by Annie Coomes
Summary: Post Doomsday, one song can ruin everything for Rose as she tries to fight her memories, the ones that just slowly break her heart. Sometimes its just too much.


Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor who

Thanks to S'rianna for title. Written for a competition on Physics

Summary: Post Doomsday, one song can ruin everything for Rose as she tries to fight her memories, the ones that just slowly break her heart. Sometimes its just too much.

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Timeless Tears

Rose sleepily walked into the kitchen, she didn't care what the time was, she didn't even know the time, it didn't matter any more not since… not since she'd lost him. She'd tried to carry on life without him – but life without the Doctor, she had soon realised, wasn't living. She just got up, went to work, ate chips and went to bed – a life the Doctor had once mocked her for, a life that she couldn't bare to live again, not after touching the stars. Yet here she was, in the kitchen of a house that she couldn't call a home – a home that didn't belong to her, for her home was flying through the stars, travelling through time and space like always – except one thing was missing. Her.

Rose dropped herself into a chair and thought of the meaningless things she would have to do that day, what was the point in studying aliens if you couldn't meet them, you couldn't discover them, if you couldn't learn to love or hate them. Yes – love them. She had loved an alien, her mum had warned her against it time and time again and in the end her mum was right – she did just end up with her heart broken. But she wouldn't change it – not a day of it, not for the world. Rose swallowed the tears that threatened to take over her again, she succumbed to tears so easily now that he had gone, it was as though when he had left her on that beach he took her mind, her soul and her heart with him, and she was left with nothing – nothing but this empty shell that played out memories over and over until they nearly drove her mad. She could close her eyes and see him smiling at her, dancing with her, gazing at her, each memory playing like a film without sound, each memory more heartbreaking than the previous one.

Rose ran her fingers through her tangled mess of blonde hair, she remembered how it was once so soft and smooth and how the Doctor would love to run his fingers through it – even if he regretted it after. But now he was gone she didn't see the point, who was there to look good for? Who was there to appreciate her? Who was there who could ever make her feel the same way the Doctor had? There was no-one. So Rose let herself fall into a mess, she let her blonde curls knot together, she let herself forget to eat so she turned thinner and thinner until her own bones hurt her. She let herself fall apart because there was nothing else left for her to do. Rose slowly wandered over to the sink watching the water drain away so easily into another world, another reality – she wished she could slide away so easily, just jump into a drain and meet another darkness – one that would be much more satisfying than this one. She stuck her finger into the water and shivered as the iciness stung at her fingers, tempting her and calling her, the water looked so inviting, so… easy. Easy was something Rose had never had – and something she would never have again.

Rose looked around the kitchen, even the lively pink walls seemed dull to her, every where she went, everything she saw – she saw him. She saw his reaction, she saw his smile, she heard his laughter, she heard his comments, and worst of all she felt his hand on hers. Something she knew could never happen again… ever. Every face in the crowd she would search for his… just in case he was there, in case he got through and was looking for her – but she never found him. Some days every face was his and she would run to them all, only to be pushed away by real people, real people who weren't the Doctor.

She was jolted out of her thoughts as the radio burst to life – her morning wake up call, a wake up call she didn't need as she never slept. The cheery voice of the presenter called out of the dark wooden box, laughing at his own jokes calling Rose in to join him, she glared in disgust at the radio trying to decided whether the sound of silence was better or the sound of someone so much happier filling her home with his life. Rose stopped to think but decided she couldn't bare it anymore once the man started to read out birthday announcements and anniversaries… Rose would never have another anniversary – only the anniversary of the day he'd left her on the beach. The day she died.

'This song is for all you lovers out there, its Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol' the cheery man called out into Roses' kitchen. Her heart froze and she shut her eyes as she thought of lovers, happy people…together. She walked towards the radio her eyes watering prepared to turn it off but was stopped when the words of the song rang out to her,

'We'll do it all, everything on our own'

Roses' heart froze and she thought of the Doctor – just her and the Doctor together, happy, independent and free willed. Without him she was nothing… nothing.

'We don't need anything or anyone'

The Doctors' words ran through Roses' head

'I'm the Doctor and this is Rose'

'I'm Rose Tyler and this is the Doctor'

'This is the Doctor and I'm Rose'

'We're the Doctor and Rose'

All they needed were each other… and now they were gone… parted. Forever.

'The stuff of legends'

'The mysterious couple'

Other peoples words rang through her head as she tried to sit back down, her mind was spinning as was her world. All she needed was him… the one thing she could never have.

'If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?'

Rose knew he would. She remembered New Earth, the apple grass, lying on the field next to him, her head gently resting in his arm as they lay on that coat. The warm brown coat that drowned her when she wore it, the coat she would never see again, the world she would never see again, the man she would never see again. Rose let her head fall into her hands as she tried to forget her past, tried to forget the thing that defined her – she cried as she tried to forget who she was. Because remembering… remembering was so much harder than forgetting.

'I don't quite know how to say how I feel'

She never did. He never did. Neither of them ever knew how to say how they felt, they'd tried to show it in a hug, in a kiss, in a hand hold, but nothing so simple could ever show the true depth of their feelings – show how much they loved one another, and now they were alone again… alone with empty hearts. Rose looked at her empty ring finger; the skin was taunt and stretched over her bone, over the bone of her empty finger. She didn't belong to anyone and she never would, not now that he was gone, how could she love again without him?

'Those three words are said too much, they're not enough'

Rose bit her lip, at least she'd done it – she'd told him that she loved him. It was something she never saw herself doing yet she also never saw herself having to say goodbye to him, she had honestly believed she would be with him forever. Rose smiled to herself – a cold empty, ghost of a smile, how wrong could she get. But it wasn't enough, it was never enough, those three words didn't describe a lifetime of love. It didn't' tell him how wonderful the past two years had been, those words didn't tell the Doctor everything Rose needed him to know. Nothing could, nothing in the entire universe could ever tell the Doctor how much he ment to Rose – she just had to trust that she knew, like how she knew what she meant to him. She could see it in his eyes, how fiercely protective they would get

'Give her back to me'

'I could save the world but lose you'

'I'll get back, Rose is up there'

'Where's Rose? Where is she!'

She could hear his angry word echoing through her head, his pleas to save her, and he never failed her – not once. But she'd failed him… she'd let go… she'd left him alone for all of time and space. She knew he must feel how she was feeling but it was worse for him… he had to live on forever, she could one day gratefully welcome death and the peace it would bring her, but the Doctor couldn't. He would just have to live on knowing…remembering.

'Forget what we're told before we get too old; show me a garden that's bursting into life'

And he had. He'd shown her everything, he'd shown her the world, all the worlds, the universe, he'd shown her the stars and the life he was doomed to live forever. A life that was the most wonderful in the world, a life that Rose needed, a life that she craved, a life she was destined to live…but not any more. Never again… she would never see her Doctor again and just thinking of that caused her world to sink and crash. She wiped away the tears that now spilled down her face thinking of her lonely angel… her lost angel.

'All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes; they're all I can see'

Rose let herself slowly fall off the chair and onto the floor, her head rested against her knees as she slowly shook with tears that fell from her soul. She couldn't open her eyes – she just saw his face, nor could she close them – she was haunted by his eyes. All Rose could do was hide; hide in this empty shell that she called a body, hide in this empty flat in an abandoned part of Norway, she needed to hide from her memories, from life, she needed to hide from the pain inside that tore at her so deeply. Rose knew that she wasn't alive anymore, even the Doctor knew it, and he had told her

'You're dead, back home; you're on the list of the dead'

And she was. She was dead inside, the lost broken girl she once was, the heroic time traveller, the shop assistant and daughter – all of these things she no longer was. She was no longer Rose Tyler. She was no one.

'I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all'

Rose shut her eyes and let her self fall into her memories with the Doctor, she could let herself live in these memories, in this false life, she could carry on pretending because if she didn't she would die. Rose sunk into her own personal hell, the one where the love of her life taunted her day after day in her mind, smiling, laughing, dancing, anything and everything that was the Doctor haunted Rose. She couldn't live and she couldn't die… she could only exist. But she knew she would never stop loving him, stop loving the angel who had saved her from the loneliness, the angel who had filled her world with laughter and love, the angel who had taught her the things that were really precious in life, the angel who taught her to forgive… the angel who taught her to love.

'If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?'

Rose pulled herself off the floor and shut the door behind her leaving the words to echo throughout her empty house – the house that wasn't a home. She walked along the road, the cold cobbles digging into her bare feet, her flannel pyjamas clung to her in the wind and her hair tangled into further knots – but Rose didn't care. She walked and walked until she reached the beach, she knew the exact spot where he had stood and now she stood there. Her feet pressed into the sand filling the gaps where his had once stood, she could only feel close to him like this. The cold sand dug between her toes and frost shattered under her feet from the Artic winds that clawed at her, Rose lay down in the sand, dressed just in her pyjamas but she didn't care – she just needed to be close to him. Rose lay in the sand and closed her eyes, she imagined him lying beside her, holding her hand, pointing to the stars as he named them, the familiar excited gleam filling his eyes once more. She could hear her own laugh as she responded to his jokes, she could feel something that felt so alien to her…. something she had forgotten to feel… Rose felt happiness. In her mind, Rose laughed with the Doctor as she lay in his arms, they were at one again, they were peaceful and happy, together exactly how they should be – the were reunited. Together they could lie on this beach for eternity, holding hands as she cold water lapped at their feet, for nothing would matter, nothing could matter ever again as long as they were together.

'If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?' Rose whispered her voice cracking as she called out to her angel. The cold water hungrily lapped at her feet but Rose no longer cared, for she could be with him forever – in her mind, and in her mind was where Rose would stay for all of time. She would spend eternity waiting for her Doctor as she lived with him in her mind crying timeless tears.

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